


When Am I Gonna Lose You

by chronicaaaa



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Abandonment Issues, Adoption, Alderaanian Hair Braiding (Star Wars), Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Awkward!Rey, Bisexual Rey (Star Wars), Cat Dad Ben Solo, Devoted Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Eventual Smut, F/M, Flashbacks, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Hot Beverages as a Love Language, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Matrilineal Monarchy, Mental Health Issues, Mutual Pining, Non-Linear Narrative, Politics, Recreational marijuana use - Freeform, Robotics Scientist Rey, Sculptor!Rey, Senator!Ben, Slow Burn, Soft!Ben, Study Group, Trauma, engineer!Rey, facesitting, pillow humping, prince!ben, will add more tags as we go!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-02-28
Packaged: 2021-03-17 00:14:59
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29708718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chronicaaaa/pseuds/chronicaaaa
Summary: On the fourth week of the semester, Rey notes that Green Hoodie in her environmental science class actually has three green sweaters, not just the standard hunter green pullover he wears on Wednesdays and the seafoam zip up that made an appearance two Fridays before. She jots fluorescent green- possibly a crossing guard?? under the day’s date in her planner.Rey Erso-Andor hasn't heard from her best friend Ben in almost a decade. When he asks her for coffee out of the blue, Rey is forced to confront her fear of being left and the feelings for him that she's repressed for years.A story of friendship, devotion, and healing with a side of smut.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 8
Kudos: 32





	1. A Good Ben

**Author's Note:**

> Hey friends!
> 
> I haven't written anything for years and decided to pick this up as a pet project to cope with quarantine! This is the first fan fic I've ever written and I'm so excited to share it here. 
> 
> I don't have a set posting schedule yet but am aiming to update as frequently as I can. I'm not sure what the final chapter count will be, probably around ten!
> 
> Thank you for reading and please let me know what you think!

Rey really has no business laughing. Not just laughing, but expelling a deep-seated chortle- the kind that makes you dizzy from lack of oxygen, makes your gut feel like it’s propelling through your throat. She picks up her phone from the couch once she catches her breath and studies the screen, not so gently sucking her bottom lip through her teeth. 

_ Hey Rey, it’s Ben. I’m back in Coruscant. Can we get coffee sometime this week? _

She doesn’t know what to focus on- that he assumes she doesn’t have his number after eight years (as if she would ever let go of that link to him, having memorized it back as a sophomore) or the fact that Ben Organa-Solo is  _ back _ . Ultimately, she ruminates on Ben wanting to see  _ her _ , that he remembers her after nearly a decade of no contact. 

Rey leans forward on the couch, tapping her fingers against her phone case and chewing on her lip.  _ This will be fine, _ she thinks.  _ We’ve gotten coffee a million times before.  _ She very pointedly tries to remember sitting over her mechanical engineering textbooks and quizzing Ben with his psychology flash cards, always written so meticulously. She hushes the part deep inside of her that goads her to think about what made her want to be study buddies with a poli sci major two years ahead in school, despite only having one random gen ed together her first semester and nothing else together for the following year and a half. 

_ Tits up, Erso, _ she peps herself up using her mother’s words of encouragement. 

_ Hi Ben. I’m glad to hear you’re back. I’m free on Friday afternoon if that works for you? _

Rey quickly hits send and sucks her lip back into her mouth, hoping both that he sees her text soon and that the message is lost in the technological ether. She sinks back into her blankets on the couch and sets her phone on her chest, silently shaming herself for choosing two days from now as it seems too near and too far. Her phone buzzes as she’s staring at the ceiling, mulling over throwing it out of the window and claiming it was stolen by nefarious youths. She jolts at the vibration and holds her phone above her face, bracing herself for the worst. 

_ I’ll see you at four at our usual table.  _

Then,

_ I’m glad to be back, Rey, and I’m so glad I’ll see you on Friday.  _

* * *

  
  


Forty-six minutes to four, Rey slips into her designated chair at Maz’s Cafe. She places her mug of earl grey with a splash of milk in front of her and a double americano with a squeeze of honey across the table. Rey never understood just  _ why _ Ben puts honey in his coffee instead of sugar other than “it’s just something my mom does.” She’s always refused his offerings to sip this strange concoction with a playful “that’s pretty gross, Ben.” Bouncing her feet to the music playing in the cafe, she scolds herself for arriving so early. Having felt so nervous about being late, even though she lives two blocks away and had completely cleared her day in preparation, she did not plan on sitting alone in her heightened state of excitement and dread for the better part of an hour. She leans forward, resting her head in her hands and tries to quell the urge to flee the city, maybe the country, and forge a new identity. Just as she’s brainstorming names for her new life, she hears the voice she has pushed from her mind every night for the past eight years. 

“Yeah, I’m pretty nervous too, Rey.”

* * *

On the fourth week of the semester, Rey notes that Green Hoodie in her environmental science class actually has three green sweaters, not just the standard hunter green pullover he wears on Wednesdays and the seafoam zip up that made an appearance two Fridays before. She jots  _ fluorescent green- possibly a crossing guard??  _ under the day’s date in her planner. Ever since he caught her eye on the first day of class by using a calligraphy set with an actual, real life  _ scroll of parchment _ to take notes, she’s been trying to figure him out. Rey can’t help her need to know what this guy’s deal is and she definitely can’t stop thinking if his hair feels as silky as she knows it most likely does. She loses herself in thoughts of eagerly allowing him to guide her through traffic to safety when she catches her TA announce, “groups were randomized. Take a look at the sheet posted on the board and organize with your groupmates. This project will be your midterm, so please keep that in mind.”

Rey rolls her eyes; she’s always had to take lead in group projects and assumes she will be doing the majority of the work for this one too. She glances around the room, noting that most of her classmates seem to be upperclassmen and that this class is generally seen as a blow-off. When the crowd at the front of the room starts to dissipate into smaller groups, she makes her way to the list and scans for her name.

**Group 3**

**Poe Dameron**

**Rey Erso-Andor**

**Ben Organa-Solo**

**Rose Tico**

Rey doesn’t know what she was expecting once she found her name. Of course she has no idea who any of these people are- she barely remembers her roommate’s last name (and not for lack of trying, she’s seen Kaydel maybe a total of five times since move-in last month). Interpersonal relationships were never Rey’s strong suit, most likely stemming from a childhood where people were nothing but inconsistent. 

“You’re Rey, right?” an upbeat voice asks from behind her. Rey turns, intending to ask just how this stranger knows her name, when she’s met with a kind face.

“Um, yeah. That’s me, and you are?” she replies slowly, her body language drenched in wariness. 

“I’m Rose! Rose Tico. I live down the hall from you, I’ve noticed your name on your door,” Rose replies, obviously aware of Rey’s skepticism but still positive nonetheless. Rey curses her RA for adhering the sequined sign displaying her and Kaydel’s names to their door. “Come join us, we need to exchange contact info so that we can meet up this weekend. We think that if we meet on Sunday and twice next week, we’ll be able to finish the whole thing.” Rose leads Rey to a set of desks at the back of the room. Suddenly, Rey is on high alert as she realizes Rose is walking right toward Green Hoodie.

“Guys, this is Rey. That’s Poe,” she gestures at the man sitting closest to them as he winks at Rey. “And this is Ben,” Rose points at Green Hoodie. 

_ Ben. He looks like a Ben. I guess? Have I ever met a Ben? _ Rey does a mental inventory of Bens she’s known over her eighteen years and comes up short, deciding that Green Hoodie is the only Ben she’s ever known and ever needs to know.

Ben sits straighter in his chair, folding his long legs beneath the desk. “Hey Rey, it’s nice to meet you.”

Rey is completely taken aback by the timbre of his voice and how her name sounds  _ so  _ good coming from his lips. She glances up at the ceiling to stop herself from staring and nods. “So this weekend, then?”

“Can we do Sunday afternoon?” Poe asks, cracking the knuckles on his tanned fists. “I have some pretty exciting plans the rest of the weekend with Zorii.” Rey has no idea who Zorii is or what constitutes an “exciting plan” in his mind, but she chooses not to dwell on it. 

“Poe, you’re going to have to leave her alone eventually,” Ben smirks as he zips up his hoodie in all its responsible traffic safety glory. “She’s told you no a million times. It’s never going to happen.” Rose chuckles behind her hand and nods in agreement, black ponytail swishing behind her. 

“Not with that attitude,” Poe playfully shoots back.  _ Ah, so there’s already a rapport here,  _ Rey thinks as an awareness of her status as an outsider emerges. 

“Oh, so you all know each other?” Rey gives an imperceptible shake of her head.  _ Of course they know each other, Erso! Why don’t I start pointing out really obvious things all the time? It can be my quirk.  _

The question doesn’t phase Ben. “Poe and I have known each other since we were kids. I’ve been friends with Rose’s sister Paige for a few years, we went to flight school together.”  _ Of course he would do something cool like direct metal cans through the sky.  _ Rose nods in agreement, while Poe pastes on an offended look.

“That’s how you introduce your lifelong best friend?” he chides, shaking his head. “We  _ know _ each other? Benjamin Bail Organa-Solo, I can't believe you’d betray our love like that. We are  _ partners.  _ I  _ love _ you.” Ben looks unfazed, to say the least. Rey takes a moment to admire his confidence before she feels a tinge of disappointment, fiddling with the hem of her shirt. See, Rey doesn’t have the best experience with friends. Or joking. And definitely not combined. For the years to come, Rey will wince when reminded of her next words and her inability to think before she speaks. 

“Oh! Well this seems like an interesting arrangement. How long have you been dating? And how does this Zorii person factor in, if you don’t mind me asking.”

“She fits in wonderfully,” Poe smirks as Ben runs his hand through his thick black hair.  _ Definitely silky _ , Rey’s thirst confirms. 

“Poe, you have  _ got  _ to stop implying to people that we’re lovers. It’s going to get out there one day and someone will take it the wrong way.” He turns to Rey. “Not dating. Never dated. I have seen his ass multiple times though.” She finds herself wanting clarification on the  _ never dated _ point, very interested in knowing if he meant in general. 

“Excuse me if it’s so believable that we could be in love. Maybe one day you’ll finally give me a chance. I’ll be waiting, Solo.” Poe blows Ben a kiss with a wag of his eyebrows. 

Rose has clearly had enough of this situation. “You idiots are going to scare her off. Rey, we promise to do work and to not let their weird, quasi-sexual vibes distract from our midterm. Okay, guys?” Rose points a stern look at her friends, hands on her hips. She stands over them, barely five foot two and fiercer than the sandstorms in Jakku.  _ Damn, she is small but imposing as hell,  _ Rey thinks, vowing to never get on Rose’s bad side. 

“Yes, Rose,” they sigh simultaneously. 

“I’m free Sunday and have a few days next week that could work too,” Rey shyly says, thinking that she’d be free every single day of the rest of her life if that meant she could learn more about this Ben guy- she’s absolutely hooked and dutifully fascinated. She’s noticed over the weeks how attentive he is when others are speaking to him, like they’re the most important person in the room. She’s beginning to feel desperate for him to look at her like nothing matters but what she has to say; to feel  _ valued  _ and be valued by  _ him. Check yourself, Erso. You’ve been stalking his clothes for weeks-stop doing weird things! _

“Great,” Ben beams at Rey and  _ wow,  _ does she like that reaction and the fuzzy feeling accompanying it. “Meet us at Maz’s Cafe at two? It’s kind of off campus but it’s a great place to study and we get free drinks there.”

Rey scrunches her nose, “how do you get free drinks? That doesn’t seem like it makes good business sense, to give free coffee to college kids.”

“Ben knows a guy,” Poe taps Ben on the back. “Consider it a very sweet, extremely low key deal for the Solo clan.” Rey’s never  _ known a guy _ for anything, unless you count the kids she’d met in foster care who sold their Ritalin to rich classmates between classes. 

“Can we not?” Ben rubs his hand through his hair again and Rey can’t catch herself from staring this time.  _ Does he deep condition? What exactly  _ is  _ deep conditioner? Whatever it is, this dude most definitely uses it.  _

“What’s your number, Rey? So we can talk about the assignment and stuff.” Rey fixes on the promises of  _ and stuff _ and realizes that in all of her daydreams featuring him over the weeks (dragging beached sharks back into the ocean, punching her foster father in the face, using those thick arm muscles to paddle their canoe through a lazy river, writing her love letters on stupid  _ parchment _ in that fancy antiquated handwriting) she never thought of him asking for her number. She manages to recite it and then confirms, not wanting to risk Ben not being able to contact her.

“Got it,” he smiles again at her, his deep brown eyes crinkling at the corners. Rey makes it her personal mission to have  _ that look _ directed at her on a regular basis. 

Rose offers to walk Rey back to the dorms and she accepts- not on Ben’s accord, but because she actually thinks that Rose could be a friend, something that she assuredly has a shortage of. Rey regards Ben and Poe with a small smile and a soft “see you Sunday,” as she departs with Rose. 

_ I think he’s a good Ben. _

* * *

“You’re early,” Rey says, not yet picking her head up to face him.

“That’s because I knew you would be too. Been waiting long?”

She brings her wrist in front of her to check the time. “Just twelve minutes.”

“Well then, I’ll keep that in mind for next time,” Ben chuckles and it’s goddamn  _ music _ to Rey’s ears. She picks her head up and gazes at Ben’s tall frame.  _ How the hell did he get so broad?  _ He still towers over her as he did when they met a decade ago. He’s still Ben, Rey decides, just  _ more.  _ More hair, more muscles, more charm. He’s aged finely, no longer slightly lanky. The way he’s looking at her, like he’s burning for her, isn’t lost on Rey.  _ We’re just friends. This is just how people look when they haven’t seen a friend in a long time,  _ she tries to convince herself. 

“Hi,” she whispers, slowly moving to stand. 

“Hi,” he steps forward to her side of the table. “You look good, Rey,” raising his arms to her. She reflexively leans in and  _ stars,  _ has she missed being in his atmosphere. The loneliness that’s nearly consumed her in his absence abandons her in an instant and Rey feels, finally, like she’s home. The anxiety shrouding her for the past few days (okay, past few years) is relieved. She wraps her arms around his torso and buries her head against his wide chest, tucked safely beneath his chin. Rey notes that he smells just like she remembers- like wood chips and spice and  _ Ben. _

“You’re here. I didn’t know if you were ever going to come back,” she’s barely audible, but Ben has always been especially attuned to Rey. He squeezes her and releases her from his chest, gently moving his hands to hold her shoulders. He’s silent for a moment, clutching her with strong hands and looking into her eyes, as if he was studying a piece of fine art. 

“I told you I would come back, Rey,” his voice is soft, comforting, firm. “I was always going to come back, and now I’m not going to leave.” 

Rey bites her lip for a moment as she contemplates his declaration. People don’t just  _ stay  _ when it comes to her. The only thing she expects from all people- with the exception of Cassian and Jyn Erso-Andor, who fought for two years to bring her into the safety of their home, of their love- is that one day, they will inevitably leave. Her friends have all left Coruscant over the years, each departure feeling like a knife in her back. She knows that Ben’s responsibilities are bigger than her, more vital than their friendship. He of all people has every reason to leave.

“I  _ promise _ ,” he whispers, one strong hand moving to rub the back of her neck. “They can’t- they  _ won’t _ expect me to go back. I’ve taken care of everything. I am here and I am staying permanently. I know it might be hard to, but please try to trust me. I came back and I am  _ staying,  _ Rey.”

“You’re staying. Okay. Alright, yes, of course you’ll be staying here,” she mumbles, not completely convinced of the words she speaks. Ben nods and releases her from his hold, moving to sit in the chair that has been dubbed Ben’s for longer than he could remember. Rey follows his lead and shakily brings her mug to her lips, lightly blowing on her cooling tea. She gestures as his cup and smiles, “I ordered your monstrosity. Maz didn’t know you would be here. You’d better say hello to her before you leave.”

Ben catches her implication. “I’ll say hello to her every single day seeing how I’m not going anywhere.”

Rey doesn’t want to be doubtful, but her very rational fear of abandonment urges her to be wary of his words. “Right, then. How’s the kingdom, Ben Solo?”

  
  



	2. Tea and Truth

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey friends!
> 
> I'm floored by the response to the first chapter of this story and am so excited to share the second!
> 
> Full disclosure, Rey discusses some traumatic experiences in this chapter.
> 
> Please let me know what you think!

Rey didn’t know what to expect for their group project but it certainly wasn’t  _ this. _ As she sits in the back at Maz’s with her classmates, she wonders about just how lucky it is that she landed in a group where everyone participates, and how even luckier it is that Ben is a vital part of this  _ everyone.  _ He’d made good on his promise to message the group regularly about the project and seamlessly fell into the role of facilitator, delegating without being asked. Rey reveled in the relief that she wouldn’t have to chase people down for their work whenever she received one of these texts. Now, watching him from the side of her eye as he listens to Rose rattle off stats about polar fracking, she can’t help but feel excited to have two more meetings of this.

If anything, Rey is observant. She watches closely when Ben takes his notes- with paper and pen this time- and picks up on the little references that Poe drops which she doesn’t quite understand. That doesn’t stop her from laughing with the group when discussing their TA’s sour attitude or asking Rose questions about her other classes. Rey wonders if this is what having a group of friends is like, even if they aren’t spending time with her by choice rather than out of academic necessity. She thinks of her friend Finn, who she met the first week of classes in the library. She’d asked him if he knew how to navigate the stacks in search of books about sculpting when he loudly stated he had no idea, grabbed her hand, and dragged her from floor to floor to find what she was looking for. It was most definitely strange for her but she so deeply appreciated Finn’s sentiment.  _ I wonder if Finn would get along with these guys as well? Maybe one day we can all get together for some laser tag or something. Is laser tag still cool? Was it ever cool to begin- _

“Right, Rey?” Ben’s deep voice pulls her out of her train of thought, his warm brown eyes crinkling in her direction. 

“Uh yeah, sure. Wait, what’s going on?” Rey looks to the floor in search of a hole she can domesticate.

“No worries, I was just saying we seem to be ahead of schedule so we probably just need to meet one more time to finalize everything and submit the project,” he smiles at her.

Rey’s heart drops and she’s instantly disappointed that she won’t have this excuse to hang out with the group. “Oh, I guess we’re really efficient. Not saying that I didn’t think we’d be or anything. You guys obviously work so well together, I’m glad I could help.” 

“Don’t sell yourself short, Rey. You’re sharp as a tack, and if I may say, you’re real easy on the eyes too,” Poe salutes to Rey with a flourish of his hand. Rey doesn’t know what to do with this response and settles on ducking her head with a murmured thanks in Poe’s direction, refusing to bring her eyes to where Ben sits across from her. 

“What’s up with your compulsive need to flirt with literally everyone you’ve ever met? May I introduce you to the concept of  _ chill?” _ Rose nudges Poe’s shoulder with a playful scowl on her face.

“And that’s a great place to end,” Ben says, smirk evident in his voice as he stands and steps away from the table. “Thanks for the good work, guys. I’ll email you about our finishing steps for later this week.”

Poe and Rose quickly pack their bags as Rose asks Rey to walk back to their dorm together.

“I actually have a lot of studying to do for physics, I’m going to hang back and try to ride this productivity high as long as I can, but I’ll walk to class with you in the morning?” she hopes that Rose won’t feel rejected by her choice to stay. 

“Sounds good, get back safely!” Rey is pleasantly surprised by how well Rose took her admission and waves goodbye to Rose and Poe as they bound out of the cafe.

Grabbing her physics textbook from her backpack, Rey rolls her neck and takes a second to center herself. The past few hours have been exceedingly social, so she closes her eyes and takes deep belly breaths to help quell the overwhelming feeling in her gut. She zones out, timing her breathing with the rhythm of the music playing from the ceiling speakers.

“Are you okay?” she hears a deep voice inquire as she yells  _ “Shit!”  _ hand flying to her chest.

“Ah, you startle easily. Sorry, won’t happen again,” Ben raises his hands to show he means no harm. “Are you okay, though, Rey?”

“Um, sorry, yeah I’m fine. I just don’t... talk, I guess? I mean I talk, I just don’t really talk to people too much, you know, like in group settings,”  _ or any other setting, if I can help it.  _ “Sorry I got jumpy, I do startle easily. So, yeah, sorry. Are you okay?”  _ Holy shit, he’s going to think I’m absolutely nuts. Who just sits in public with their eyes closed???? _

“I get it, no need to apologize. I’m fine, I was just a little worried because it had been a few minutes.” Rey’s eyes widen and she’s absolutely mortified. 

“I guess today was just a lot. I usually keep to myself, it’s like I expend energy at an accelerated rate when I interact with others. Not saying I don’t like being around you guys, I really do, I’m just not used to it.”  _ Shut up, Erso. Just stop, feign cramps, and jet the fuck out of here before you ramble something you really do not want him to hear! _

Ben’s eyebrow raises as he eyes her physics textbook. “I’d hate for you to have to keep expending precious energy. I can head out of here if you want to be alone.” He gently pushes a steaming mug across the table, stopping just in front of her notebook. “Earl grey with milk, right?” 

Rey can feel her heart in her throat. “You- you brought me tea?” she whispers after a moment, feeling a stinging in her eyes. He nods and she takes note of him subtly grinding his jaw. She picks up the mug, cradling it with both hands in front of her chin, allowing the steam to bring some warmth to her face. “Please stay,” she says in the smallest voice possible.

They work in silence on their separate assignments and Rey can’t help but sneak glances at Ben writing flashcards for the better part of an hour.

“What’s your major, Ben?” tumbles out of her mouth, surprising them both. He cocks his head to the side, confusion evident on his face. 

“Political science?” he responds, brows scrunching towards each other.

“Oh, I’m sorry, you must have mentioned it already. Sorry.”

“You don’t need to apologize, Rey, it’s okay. I didn’t mention it. I’m just a little shocked that you don’t know. It’s a small school, pretty much everyone knows all, like truly  _ all _ of my business. Word travels fast and shit.”

It’s Rey’s turn to be confused. “I haven’t heard anything about you, Ben. Granted, I rarely speak to anyone for literally any reason whatsoever. Is... is there something I’m missing?”

“Fuck, you really don’t know,” Ben’s hand flies to his hair and he pulls his fingers through his thick black locks. Rey shrugs.

“All I really know about you is that you’re apparently great at group projects, you use parchment sometimes, which I definitely have questions about, and you have a lot of green sweaters,” Rey’s hand shoots to her mouth.  _ No no no no no no no no please no no- _

Ben shakes his head, chuckling as he leans forward against the table. He takes a second to sip from his mug, jaw flexing after he swallows. 

“I guess I’m lucky that you get to hear it from me. Rey, have you ever heard of Alderaan?”

“Like the country that has a fuckton of lakes?”

“Exactly the country that has a fuckton of lakes.”

“Yeah. I’ve never been there but I’ve heard it’s beautiful. What about it?”

“My family is Alderaanian. My parents live there, but I’ve been here since I was about ten. I lived with my uncle until I started college.”

“Oh. I’m sorry you were separated from them,” the orphan in Rey aches for him.

“It was hard but it was a choice that I made. They- they couldn’t come with me” he says softly.

“Your choice? As a child? Did they have a good reason to stay behind, at least?” Rey can’t fathom any reason at all to send the person sitting across from her away, especially as a child.

“I guess you can say that,” he sighs, rubbing his hand over his face. “My dad is a general in their air force and my mom... fuck it. My mom’s the queen.”

The laughter forces itself out of Rey’s chest and Ben’s hands clench on top of the table.

“Oh, that’s just  _ perfect,”  _ a tear drops out of her eye and she flicks it away. “You’re absolutely kind and smart and wonderful, of  _ course _ you’d be a prince of some random ass country!” 

The corners of Ben’s mouth quirk up as his hand returns to his hair. “You think I’m wonderful?”

Rey takes a moment to regard him, summoning some of her father’s bravery and her mother’s boldness. “You haven’t given me a single reason to believe otherwise. I’ve pondered about a hundred reasons why anyone would ever use quills and parchment in modern times outside of Hogwarts and trust me, princely duties unfortunately never crossed my mind. I feel like I lost a bet with myself,” her final words spoken through giggles. 

“So, you don’t mind? We can- we can still hang out, right?” 

“Do I mind? As long as I don’t have to call you ‘His Worshipfulness’ I think we can hang out, yes,” she smirks.  _ Damn, Erso, this dude wants to hang out with little orphan you!  _ “Do you- I mean- do you still want to hang out with me?” her anxiety starts to creep back. “I’m nobody. Like truly, my biological parents didn’t even want to be around me and I was just a little kid when they left me. I’m essentially nothing,” she shrugs.

“You’re definitely not nothing, Rey. Especially not to me,” he reaches his hand towards her and stops short, deciding instead to rest his hand on the table next to her textbook. Rey beams at Ben, slowly moving to rest her hand next to his. “I’m sorry about your biological parents. For what it’s worth, I think they missed out on getting to know an incredible person. I can tell you’re a fighter, Rey. You kind of remind me of my mom in that regard. She didn’t know her biological parents and was lucky enough to be adopted by her mother’s best friends. I don’t know your story, but I do know that anyone who gets to spend time with you is lucky too.”

Rey keeps her eyes trained on their hands, fingers close enough to brush the other’s. “Would you like to know? My story, that is?” Rey can feel in her bones that Ben is being completely authentic and that she can trust him. “I’ve never really talked about my life to anyone who wasn’t my parents or therapist.”

“I’ll listen to whatever you want to tell me.” She knows that this is the unequivocal truth.

“I’m adopted, like your mum. My bio parents left me with a babysitter when I was four years old. I- I had no reason to believe they wouldn’t come back for me but they just didn’t. I remember being in the car for a long time and travelling when my parents took me to a babysitter when we stopped somewhere in Jakku. They... they told the babysitter that Rey was my nickname. So when she called the police the next morning when they hadn’t come back for me, she couldn’t even tell them my actual name and I was too freaked out to remember it. My caseworker told me when I was older that they probably told the babysitter a nickname and not my real name so I couldn’t be traced back to them.” She tears her eyes away from their hands to gauge Ben’s reaction. He’s leaning forward against the table, his other hand clenched in a fist in front of his torso.

“I’m sorry you had to live through that, Rey. I really, really am. I know it doesn’t make it any better.” He whispers after a tense moment of eye contact.

Rey takes another belly breath and nods. “I’m sorry about it too, but thank you,” she sighs. 

“What about your adoptive parents?” he says after a moment of comfortable silence.

Rey can’t help the smile that appears on her face. “My mum, Jyn, is a sculptor and a badass. She’s the one who found me. I was living with a horrible, horrible foster parent on a property with a salvage yard in Jakku. I didn’t know it at the time, but he- he essentially enslaved me. I was forced to work in the yard for food and I was never safe there. Jakku is corrupt as fuck and kept me in his care for two years after mum found me. She knew right away that she and her husband would do anything to adopt me, but adoptions over state lines are complicated in general. Jakku... it’s even harder if a child is from there.” Rey shakes her head, not wanting to expand on that quite yet. “Mum drove from Jedha to Jakku every weekend to see me and make sure I was at least fed and as safe as I could be. There was an  _ incident _ that led to me finally being taken out of Unkar’s care and placed with my parents.”

“What about your dad?”

“Cass, my dad. Cassian. He loved me from the second he knew I existed, even though we didn’t meet in person until I was placed in their care. After meeting me, mum got in the car and called him and said ‘Cass, I found our daughter and she needs our help.’” Rey subtly moves her pinky to rub against Ben’s, seeking some physical comfort after disclosing her past. He moves his hand a bit closer and brings his pinky to link with hers. “They had just decided to adopt a few months before. But Jyn took one look at me and just  _ knew _ that I was meant to be their child. And she was completely and totally right about that. I’m one hundred percent their daughter.” 

“It sounds like destiny,” Ben whispers after a quiet moment. Rey nods, a weight lifted from sharing the Cliffs Notes of her life. “Can I ask a question? Feel free to say no, I’m not entitled to the answer. I’m just curious.”

“Go for it,” she urges, knowing exactly what will come next.

“Why didn’t you get to meet your dad for two years? Jedha’s up in the mountains and Jakku is two states away in the desert. That’s a long way for your mom to go every weekend. Is there a reason why he never went with?”

Rey steels herself. “You’re right, it is a long way. Dad... he wanted to come see me. I knew it. I knew with everything I had that he wanted nothing but to come along with mum. I lived with Unkar for seven years by the time I made it to mum and dad’s. I was in horrible shape when mum found me. I was severely malnourished and physically abused. I wasn’t even allowed to sleep in the house. There was a car in the salvage yard that I lived in. It had tinted windows and I was able to break the lock mechanisms in three of the doors and jerry-rigged a way to get in and out of the fourth door so that no one else would be able to get in.”

Ben’s pinky untangles from hers and he holds her hand in both of his. “Rey, you don’t have to-”

“It’s okay. Dad didn’t come to me for two reasons. The first, I had extreme issues trusting men. I still do to be honest,” she trails off. She brings her eyes to Ben’s and takes a second to stare, only slightly measuring him up. “The second reason, the main reason, why he never came to see me is because, well, if he knew where to find me- if he knew where to find Unkar, he would have killed him.” 

“I don’t blame him,” is Ben’s immediate response. 

“Ben, if he had killed him, which I don’t for a second think he wouldn’t have, they would not have been able to adopt me. Even Jyn on her own. I would’ve been carted off to another home, which would have been another nightmare because good homes in Jakku are so rare. The foster system there is so incredibly corrupt. There’s probably an endless supply of kids in similar situations there. I’m so lucky to have gotten out and to have parents who love me and would do anything to ensure my safety. Not everyone has that chance.” She brings her other hand to grasp the outside of Ben’s, still encasing her smaller hand in both of his. “I made it out, though. And I’m okay.” She closes her eyes and smiles. “I’m really, really okay.”


End file.
